Bullying and Building a Better Web

As a parent, I think a lot about the world we are creating for our children. As an advocate for press freedom and digital rights I think a lot about the web we are creating for our children too.

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A lot of my work centers around creating more democratic structures and policies that shape our media, and pushing back on the companies that want to assert more and more control over the Internet. But I also think a lot about how the Internet changes the ways we communicate with each other, and thus the ways we relate to each other. When I get sucked into a Twitter fight, see a particularly ugly comment thread, or hear about bullying and harassment online, I wonder what kind of web my kids will inherit from us.

That’s why I was so struck when I read Jeff Jarvis’ blog post “We get the net—and society—we build.” Jarvis’ post (a response to this post from Amanda Palmer on “Internet hate” – also a must read) puts into words a few things I have been feeling in my gut for sometime. He writes:

    “We are building the norms of our new net society. It can go either way; there’s nothing, absolutely nothing to say that technology will lead to a better or worse world. It only provides us choices and the opportunity to show our own nature in what we choose. Will you support the fights, the attacks, the hate? Or will you stand up for the victims and against the bullies and trolls and their cheering mobs who gleefully tweet, ‘Fight! Fight!’?”

Jarvis’s post is a profound reminder that each of us is making the web as we go along. Our tweets, our Facebook posts, our Instagram photos, our Reddit comments are both literally and figuratively the links that hold the web together. Online our actions don’t speak louder than words, our words are our actions, and we should make them count.

In her blog post Amanda Palmer talks about Amanda Todd, a 15-year-old who committed suicide after being bullied on and off line. I live just up the road from South Hadley, a town that was put on the map in 2010 when a 15-year-old student there, Phoebe Prince, committed suicide after being bullied relentlessly.  These stories resonate for me in part because when I was in high school a friend of mine committed suicide when he was about 15.

Today, we access the web via our phones, our laptops, our TVs. We connect to the Internet via WiFi routers and Ethernet cables and phone lines. Given all of that, it is easy to forget that at its most basic, the web is us.

In 2011 Jim Gilliam gave a speech at the Personal Democracy Forum that spoke to this point. He said, “We are all connected, we are all in debt to each other, we all owe every moment of our lives to countless people we will never meet. The internet gives us the opportunity to pay back a small part of that debt.” How we treat those people that we may never meet, those people on the other side of all those connections, will necessarily shape those connections for years to come.

Gilliam’s talk was so full of hope that when he said at the end, “We have faith that people connected can create a new world,” it was easy to ignore the double-edged nature of that promise.  There is, of course, the threat that without some compassion, accountability and care, we might not like the world we create.

A few months before my first son was born I asked my father how to raise a good, caring and compassionate son in a world so full of mixed messages for men and boys alike. There is a lot we can’t control, he said, but what we can do is try to be the kind of men we want our sons to aspire to. Our example is the best compass we can provide to our sons and our daughters.

Creating a new world, or in Jarvis’ words “building the norms of our new net society,” isn’t that much different. “This is our problem. Your problem. My problem,” Jarvis writes. “When argument over an idea turns to attack against a person, then it crosses the line. When disliking a person becomes public ridicule of that person, it is hate. Dealing with that isn’t the responsibility of government. It is our responsibility.”

As a parent, it is not enough to wring my hands about bullying or hate online. It’s not enough to wonder how to protect my kids. As a parent, it is incumbent on me to engage in the hard work of building a better web by being a better citizen of the web.

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Doing the Best I Can…

Yesterday I was targeted by someone whose name I am not going to divulge because doing so will only further engagement and unnecessary dialogue.  I am going to keep this about my reaction to being attacked and will not engage in a counter attack.  One of the things I have learned over the years is that when someone attacks, my knee jerk response is to attack back, but this never actually does anything to further the conversation, encourage discussion or an exchange of ideas.  Nothing changes when two people angrily engage in self-righteous, self-justified shouting matches.  So why do it?

Sadly, within any community, positions are taken, an “us” and “them” mentality which serves to separate each other from the very people we appear to want to engage.  I do not completely understand this desire by some to engage others with their anger.  However I do know first hand the feeling of frustration when I have believed something and had those beliefs questioned, judged or argued with.  When someone says with absolute conviction that they know for a fact that a certain therapy, treatment or way of supporting another does or does not work, I figure it’s worth investigating.  I do my best to look at the pros and cons, I try to read the various scientific studies, the anecdotal stories, and control studies if there have been any.  I take into account how many people were used in the study, I look at who conducted the study and whether there were any conflicts of interest in the study’s results.  I read any controversy surrounding the therapy.

If I know someone personally who is using whatever the therapy, treatment or support is, I reach out to them, ask them questions and observe.  If what I am observing counters the conclusions of some of the scientific studies done, I take that into account and look at why that might be.  Beyond wanting to do what will prove best for my daughter I try to remain open to both sides.  However, if a number of Autistic people have PTSD because of a particular therapy or speak out about it with their reasons why, I listen to their accounts and place more weight in their experiences than I do in studies conducted by neurotypical “experts”.  I also listen to those who are Autistic and have found something particularly helpful, even if many neurotypicals suggest otherwise.

These are the things I do.  Others may have different approaches, but this is what has proven most helpful for me.  When someone then attacks me for doing a particular therapy, treatment or support with viciousness, it hurts, but it does not make me change my opinion, in fact it does the opposite.  When someone personally attacks me with sarcasm, condescension and aggression it serves to make me wonder why they would do so.  When they then back their vitriolic, venomous statements by saying that “science” is behind them and that I cannot possibly have read the studies they cite, when they dismiss opposing studies as being “shoddy” and “poorly” done as non-science or “pseudoscience”, there is no point in responding.  When they then further their comments by saying that I am being “unethical” and suggest that by engaging in such support I am hurting those who cannot speak by putting words in their mouth, it crosses the line of being about ideas, opinions, science or anything else, it is a personal attack.

I come here day after day and share my thoughts, feelings, views.  I try to be honest, above all else and in doing so open myself up to attack.  I know that.  I cannot do this any other way.  I am vulnerable in a way that those who attack me are not.  That’s okay.  No one is forcing me to write a blog or to be as honest as I can be.  These are the decisions I’ve made.  I try hard to keep my side of the street clean, as they say.  Some days I’m more successful at that than others, but I always keep showing up and trying as best I can.  In the end that’s all any of us can do.

Unrelated photograph taken Christmas Day on the ranch

7 Ways To Rekindle Your Girlfriend’s Love For You

Are you you frustrated that your relationship doesn’t have the magic and romance that it once had? Scared this may affect or eventually end your relationship?

You’re not alone. Living with the same partner for a long time can become stable and comfortable, and, as a result, can make things stale and lose the spark that made your relationship so special in the first place. Here are some simple, fun and creative ideas to reignite that magic:
Send Her A Unique Gift At Work

Get a piece of paper and some crayons. Draw a bright childlike picture with a smiley sun and two stick figures holding hands. Add labels with your two names pointing to the stick figures. Write ‘I Love You’ inside a heart.

Next get a large formal envelope. Place your drawing inside and type up a formal address label of your partner’s workplace, such as: “For the immediate and urgent attention of: Rebecca Jones, Level 20, Collins & Smith Solicitors, New York.” Mail it to your partner so they receive it in the middle of a busy day.
Have Fun With Water

On a hot summer’s day, buy two large water pistols and take them to the beach with you. Pull them out and throw one to your girlfriend and then have a huge water fight. If you’re lucky (and you probably will be) your lover will want to to take advantage of the fact that you’re both wet and turned on! Find a good hiding place and get your public sex on.
Bring Back Childhood Memories

Contact your partner’s family and ask if there was anything she always wanted when she was a little girl. For example, if she always wanted a porcelain doll, buy one for her birthday. She will not only appreciate the gift, but also the fact that you were thoughtful enough to find out what she always wanted.
Become Kids Again

If you are walking by a park, visit the swings and give her a ride. Might bring back happy memories from childhood.
Organize A Backyard Picnic

Spread a picnic blanket on the ground and get together some snacks, chocolates and champagne. Lie down on the blanket with your partner and gaze up at the stars together.
Show Her You’re Grateful For Her

Leave a long-stem rose where your partner will find it, with a note on it saying: “Thank you for coming into my life.”
Spice Up Your Lovemaking

Probably the most profound way to rekindle the romance in your relationship is to spice up your lovemaking. Surprise your partner with a little gift after you make love, try new sex positions, learn to give your partner an erotic massage before or after, or just spend some time staring into each other’s eyes and caressing their bare skin before making love.

Many people underestimate the power these little things have on a relationship. If things are rough in your relationship don’t wait for your significant other to do something. Take action. Make the first step towards mending your partnership. It’s all about passionate love. Show it.